Diary: Monitoring yourself

Julia's Diary

My weekly diary page is written on the essence of life taken from moments from my everyday life that have inspired me! The aim of the piece is to give you the courage and skills to embrace whatever is in front of you and so find meaning and purpose in your lives – or it could just be a pleasant diversion from whatever you happen to have been doing before…

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Monitoring yourself

07 February 10

Monitoring yourself When Rob asked me to be a guinea pig to test out some new equipment the university are considering buying to monitor recovery from training, I was initially resistant. I have spent years unravelling from measuring and checking and monitoring and learnt again to run free – just me and the downs and the only measuring happens in races.

I listen to my body and I can monitor myself, I can tell if I am overdoing it, I can tell when I need to rest – I know how much I can manage. I know these things now and I have no need of any equipment to tell me. I knew before actually – but then I decided to ignore what I knew and drove myself to a state of chronic fatigue which took me many years to come back from!

But in truth I have always known – I drove too hard when I was younger because I was seeking salvation in running performances. I thought somewhere inside me that if I kept running, and ran fast times, that then I could run from the pain and that I would get free of the wounds and the damage. I settled on running as a way to escape facing my pain and as a way of seeking the way out. It didn’t work!

So many people push and strive and look for success and status as a way to feel alright to prove to themselves and others that they are okay and to stop feeling more deeply. And if the success doesn’t work then they often turn to alcohol or drugs or TV or work itself as a way of hiding.

But the body always presents its bill. The heart cries out and the soul stirs to travel on its correct life path. Success and our passions and love and others can of course be a route to finding out how to feel good and to heal. However if the process doesn’t heal the wound or take you to a place of understanding then the pain just shouts louder. However much money or success or however many distractions you put in place – and that can be people too of course! – the wound will keep making itself known through what many simply think of the ‘normal’ dramas of life – the ‘that’s lifes’ which are in truth the lack of harmony and balance within, showing itself on the outside.

I always believed I would succeed at everything I set out to do – and in effect this happened. I loved (still do!) a challenge. I have always loved stretching myself to see if I could achieve what I suspected I could but wasn’t sure, whether that has been a business idea or a running challenge.

However all the time I was running away from the pain and from truly addressing the core wound and the belief I had internalised (in the broadest sense), that I wasn’t okay and therefore didn’t deserve good things to happen, all the time deep down I believed this, then I sabotaged my efforts and made my life a struggle!
I spent a lot of time addressing this from an intellectual stance! I was good at looking at my patterns from afar and applying my head to them – even my eating disorder I ‘sorted out’ from that position – but this eventually left me needing to address the core wounds/issues if I was to find out how to be free.

Until you really commit to listening to you, the true you – you will not know if you are living your own life. This isn’t an arduous process – it is fun and it doesn’t mean that you won’t embrace a lot of what is already there and live in the ways you already do – but you will know this is you. You will know that the things you say and do resonate deeply with the note of your own soul and the vibration of your true essence.

It is vital that you are true to your own nature, or else life feels out of tune and out of rhythm. But when you walk listening to the beat of your own heart and following where your soul calls you to go, then all will unfold as you intend it to and your actions and energy will inspire all those around you.

So I have agreed to wear a HR monitor all night long! (I am having some technical hitches as not sure how to turn it off!) I’m also wearing one to monitor my training runs too. I am getting used to having these bits of equipment on me and I can’t see the results. Rob has also asked me to keep a log of how I feel and apparently so far my log matches the computer print out that shows that I am recovering overnight from the miles I am running during the day!
I would have been surprised if it hadn’t shown this! I feel so well, so healthy and I am loving my running more than ever before. It feels like it is my meditation and my creative process all rolled into one. It is my art and my music from within, but in running form – and so doing a lot of it brings me great joy and running in my own rhythm allows me to be in the step, and so the next one leads to the next and the next and takes me further inside to where the whole of the universe lies. It feels an exciting journey!

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